I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
