i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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