summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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