Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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