im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
