My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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