The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's get the cat blown out
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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