Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
