I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
