I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
