and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage