U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂