I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
