on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
