I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
