my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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