Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
