Who wears a wallet chain?!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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