oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
