matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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