They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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