If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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