omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
