I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
