Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
