if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
