we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
