Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
