too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
