even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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