We're facebook friends in real life
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
