I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
