i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
