Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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