i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
