We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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