the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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