his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
