I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
