Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
