I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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