Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
