I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
