So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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