I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
