Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
