Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
