i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
