She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
