I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
