my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Two words: blizzard sex
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
