Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm determined to sit on that face.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
