be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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