Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you had me at cake vodka
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
