i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
