I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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