watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
