I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
