wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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