Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
