Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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