I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
