Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
